Well guys, although I usually keep my posts hopefully oozing so much positivity as the weight falls off, I felt that it would be cathartic for me to actually reflect on things from the past. I’ve never actually talked about them before but, as I adopt a healthier way of being, I’m going to be brave and share with you some experiences. You see, although I feel like my mindset is so focused on losing weight (with 71lbs lost so far), I guess I wonder if anyone reading my blog thinks something along the lines of “But you make it look easy, Erika. You don’t really get what it’s like to be big. You don’t really understand what it’s like to not find the oomph to get started“. But you see, I do. Despite what’s happened in the past, it still didn’t make me think “Stop this! You need to take control“
The cinema seat
Oh, this was a few years ago but I went to the cinema with a friend. I got in the seat okay but, you know, it was rather snug. Despite the cinema being pretty empty, a couple of ladies sat next to us….but for no more than about 15 seconds. Basically, I was aware that my super large thighs were spilling under the arm rest and they were making contact with one of the ladies. And after she whispered something to her friend, they moved away from us. I still remember my heart sinking.
Another chair – I haven’t liked many chairs over the years! I went to a family’s home and went up to the child’s bedroom to do an activity with him. The family had set up a desk and two collapsible chairs for us to sit on. Well, I don’t think it was designed to actually collapse under my weight but I did. Not only did I have the embarrassment of that but I then had to get myself off the floor. The family was lovely but I just wanted to cry.
I’ve never had any verbal abuse thrown at me per se but the one thing that did happen was that I was in a shop and someone made a pig sound right behind me. By the time I turned around, they were gone and actually thank goodness they had because I didn’t have to face anyone but it was nonetheless horrible.
Not sitting on the ground because I won’t get up again
I’ve had many situations when I’ve been in a large group (where they’ve done yoga or sat down to have a picnic) and, knowing that I’d struggle to stand up again, I’ve given excuses to remain standing. Many times, I’ve said about my “bad back” (which is perfectly fine) but it’s been hard when I’ve seen people 10-15 years older than me easily sit on the ground and get up so quickly.
A couple of years ago, I had a really bad fall. The pain was immense and it turned out that I’d done lots of tissue damage that left me on crutches for 6 weeks. But when I had the fall, people came over rushing to help which was lovely. And I could feel my leg bleeding but I couldn’t lift my maxi skirt to show my legs…..because I’ve been ashamed of them pretty much all my life. Until recently, they’ve been big, lumpy and the knees hidden somewhere in there. So I just smiled, thanked them so much for caring and just said that I’d stay seated on the ground until the pain had gone. When I did eventually stand up, I was in a pretty bad way but the thought of showing my legs was mortifyingly embarrassing. And this is partly why I don’t go to the GP. I cover my body. If I’d ever found a lump of something sinister, I probably would have just kept quiet rather than seek help. I don’t do smear tests with the GP for this reason.
I once had a child write “you’re fat”. Now, children can be honest and, yes, I was and still am. But it was just in black and white in front of me and I then had to spend another 3 hours with this child whilst pushing back the tears. When the mother saw what the girl had written, she just laughed. Both the mum and girl are on the autistic spectrum so I understand there are certain challenges but it still hurt.
“I never thought you’d be smaller than me”
Mmm, this one has been playing on my mind and it was my sister in law who said this to me. She’s probably a UK size 16-18 and I’ve been pretty much bigger than her since I’ve known her. But years ago, when I had anorexia, I was unintentionally much smaller than her and she said these words as were walking in a shopping centre. And they’ve stuck….I guess feeling as if my position is to remain the larger one out of us. I don’t know. This has been affecting me recently.
Despite these and other times, nothing has clicked in my head to make sensible decisions about losing weight without resorting to an eating disorder. I’ve missed out on so many things including going on a plane to see a terminally ill relative, going out with friends who are going on a long walk, going to a shopping mall because of the physical pain…..
BUT………that was then…. this is now and I’m slowly working my way through the obesity categories. My next major goal is 229 lbs to get my BMI under 35. I feel it’s actually been helpful to write about the above experiences so that I can mentally process them and file them away in the mental drawer called “Yes, it happened but look at you now, girl“! From here on in, it’s back to staying focused and POSITIVE ❤
Love Erika xx