The fear of the doctors’ scales… part 2

Hey

Stop reading!! If you haven’t yet read part 1 about how scared I am to reveal my weight to any medical professional, I’d encourage you check out this link first. For those who’ve read part 1 or perhaps don’t have the time / inclination to read it, I’m going to recap what happened at the end of Wednesday’s blog where I started a conversation with myself. In this imaginary (but pretty realistic) scenario, I’ve been asked to get on the scales. I’ve refused because, well, I’m terrified (along with a huge dose of stubbornness!). The doctor wants to explore this much to my annoyance but I don’t want to look too much like a rebel so I’m trying to cooperate. And I’ve started to share why it’s okay for me to know my weight (and share it on my blog) but why I’m terrified for making this figure official to a medical professional. So, let’s carry on with the conversation….

  • Hey Erika, so, what did you take away from our conversation on Wednesday?
  • Yeah, it was useful to explore my thoughts. I don’t know whether they made any sense whatsoever but I know how my irrational fear of scales, anything body or medical related is getting in the way of engaging with the practice. And this is going to sound really bad but if I suspected that I might be seriously ill, I don’t know how willing I’d be to even make an appointment… which isn’t good. So, yes, it’s made me think over the past couple of days.
  • That’s great. So, p’haps you can share a bit more about your thoughts?
  • So, I really get that knowing my weight is important in terms of monitoring my health and I also know that getting on scales is something that probably loads of people do without a second thought or making some huge song-and-dance about it. And, yes, I know this figure is about where I’m at today, it’s soon going to go down anyway, my weight is only one part of me, it doesn’t define me, blah, blah, blah. I get all of that.
  • Erika, I get where you’re coming from and people have fears about all kinds of things. Needles, flying, spiders, dogs….and your fear is about me knowing your weight. But you’re recognising there’re good reasons to jump on…
  • (Thinks to self: Is she about to ask me to get on?) Mmmm…..
  • So, let’s stop talking about it. Just get on. Just face the fear. Think of all the things you’ve overcome during the years, much bigger and more serious things than a pair of scales. It’s just an object. It’s just a figure. So, c’mon.
  • (Help. I want to, I don’t want to, I want to , I don’t want to,,,,) But what if…
  • (Doctor interrupts)….c’mon. Stop talking. Just get on.
  • (I just want to cry and run away but I know she’s right) Okay, here goes (Why am I crying? Seriously girl!!!!)
  • ….and you can get off. You did it. You got on. How’re you feeling?
  • (Takes a deep breath). Mixed. Ashamed. Proud. Embarrassed about turning this into a huge ordeal. But I got on. Nothing bad happened.
  • Exactly. And, yes, you know your weight and, yes, your BMI’s in the 31s but you mentioned on Wednesday that you’re putting things in place. You’re SO close to getting out of the obese range. How much weight have you lost since last year?
  • Yeah, more than 120 lbs.
  • That’s amazing!! I don’t need to give you advice or anything like that as you’ve got this. Do you know what your BMI was?
  • 50
  • Wow, Erika, you’ve done this without bariatric surgery. Many people think surgery is the easy option but it’s not… not when it comes to sustaining weight loss. But you would’ve qualified for that.
  • Yes, I did contemplate if surgery might have been the way to go and I’m really pleased I’ve done it without as I’m working on my head and my whole attitude. So, thank you. Yep, really pleased. Done it. Think I’ll tell my blogging pals now!

When I finished part 1 on Wednesday, I truly didn’t know whether I’d get on these hypothetical scales. But, in my head, I’ve got on. I don’t know why but going through this process has unearthed that a lot of my fear is about getting told off for my weight. And I wonder if it links back to a comment someone made during my first pregnancy when I gained weight early on. Perhaps. I wasn’t expecting that revelation but it’s helpful to think about where fear originates from in order to make sense of it. So, yes, I did get on. And I survived to tell the tale. And if I really do get on the scales one day, I’ll be sure to share this with you!

Sunday marks exactly one year since I started this journey (though I’ve blogged since April) so I’ll be back on Monday with some reflection and my next weigh-in but wishing you all a great weekend

Love Erika xx

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