Many people I know will think that I’m pretty ‘normal’!! By that, I mean that they probably see me as someone who’s confident, who embraces life, who doesn’t let barriers stop her from gallivanting all over Europe in non-Covid times and who functions on a daily basis without any problems but I’ll let you into a secret… the way I’ve led my life over the past 8 years or so is like some version of a recluse but not in the way you might expect.
Rather than stay only in my home and fear stepping out beyond the front door, I’ve spent the last 8 years either in my home or going right out of my area… far enough where I’m unlikely to bump into anyone I know. I’ve come up with excuses for years to avoid face-to-face contact with family / friends if I can help it. If I need a loaf of bread or a pint of milk, I won’t go to our village shop. Goodness no! I travel to the nearest town and the quietest shop I can find. My wheelie bins go out after dark. I missed some of my children’s parents’ evenings as I couldn’t face bumping into others. I haven’t gone to a fairly local shopping mall for about 10 years. I haven’t seen the optician for about 4 years and, even then, I asked the optician to do a home visit. And followers will know that I don’t do doctors!
Why is this? After recovering from atypical anorexia around 8 years ago, I put on all the weight and more, and I guess I worried that others might have seen me as a ‘failed dieter’, not realising that the weight had dropped off due to an illness that very nearly cost me my life. I guess I’ve lived with shame over the past few years whilst completely believing that no one should hide away! It shouldn’t take for me to lose weight now to feel that I’m ‘allowed’ to re-emerge into this world – absolutely not!!! So, I’m making a pledge today:
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I’m going to take more care of myself. I’m not talking food, diet and size here. I’m talking about looking after my hair, booking an optician’s appointment when it feels safer Covid-wise – might go back to contact lens. I’m going to get myself to the dentist – might get my teeth whitened. I’m going to get the very overdue pap test. I’m going to wear the clothes I want to wear rather than feel as if I have to hide. Let’s make these things happen when confidence is high to break that pattern of hiding and shame.
I’m going to get out there. As well as the above, I’m going to go to the shopping mall. I’m going to go to the village shop. I’m going to go to the next fancy ball at my husband’s workplace and flaunt the most fabulous ballgown I can find!
I’m going to continue getting the right life balance. I’m pretty good about this as I have clear boundaries between work and personal life despite running my own business. But I’m going to prioritise fitness and health so that it doesn’t get pushed out by work. I need to capitalise on the fact that I work for myself and that affords me flexibility. So, there’s no excuse!
And if I should put on weight again, I will keep going out. I will not let myself became fearful again….. not that I plan to put on lots of weight of course! Changing my approach to health and food hopefully means that I’m creating lifelong habits but I need to make this commitment now IF I were to become bigger.
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I’ll be back on Monday with my next weigh-in but wishing you all a great weekend
Love Erika xx