So, since Monday at my latest weigh-in, I’ve gone a bit quiet on the blogging front. I’ve always promised to be really open with you as I venture through this rather large weight loss journey but, as my blog tag line says, it’s been a case of trying to keep it a healthy diet rather than slipping into previous eating disorder behaviour and mentality. Goodness…it’s a fine line between the two! I mean, can we be super focused on the calorie counting, the exercising, etc. whilst keeping a healthy mindset and without it becoming obsessive? Up to now, I’ve had times when it’s been really hard but I’ve been slipping in a rather large way more recently.
Where am I right now? The anorexic voice is dominant in my head and I find myself becoming terribly fearful of eating, of not having larger losses on the scales, of not exercising enough. I find myself planning how to miss meals, how to get rid of food (not in a purging way but basically not consuming all the food I’m dished up). And I guess I have two voices in my head: the side which is probably an anorexic voice (all consuming, obsessive, berating, etc) and then the other voice that’s caring and knows I could end up ill again like 10 years ago. And, as I’ve said before, it’s possible to have ‘atypical anorexia’ when your weight is average or even above average if all the other DSM5 diagnostic criteria are met. Am I there? Yes, it really pains me to admit this but I think that my strict dieting has turned the corner. 10 years ago, things got really serious when I started to have abnormal heart tracings and I’ve noticed two things recently: I can get dizzy when I stand up and I can also find my heart racing some mornings when I wake up and I’m getting out of bed. Of course, it may not be heart-related but I’ve done something that I didn’t think I’d do. Despite my intense fear of doctors, I contacted my local surgery yesterday to explain the situation and I’m waiting to hear back.
The last time I struggled with an eating disorder, I lost so much weight but I then put it all (and more) back on. And I’m worried that this will happen again. However, a difference this time is that I have therapy to help me come to terms being a carer to my child and talking things through with my therapist will hopefully help me find a way to get that healthy mindset back and be able to eat in a less restrictive, less dangerous way.
So, I feel embarrassed admitting all the above but I owe it to you readers and I owe it to myself to be upfront. How do I overcome this? I need to allow my caring voice to quieten the anorexic voice so that I stop heading down this destructive route, find a way to regain a healthy mindset, find a way to eat healthily so that I can still get to an average weight and use my story to inspire others
Hope you have a great weekend everyone and I’ll be back on Monday
Love Erika xx