Battling the anorexic mind…

Hey

I have an almighty battle going on in my head today….. the anorexic voice that’s been dominant recently and has taken me down to a maximum of 440 calories a day…. but also the ‘parent voice’ that’s bringing me some kindness.

I was thinking last night that the thing which helped me overcome eating disorders in the past was when something outweighed the need to hang onto the ED behaviours….. something that became more important than holding on a coping mechanism that was dangerous yet also brought a sense of feeling in control and on a high.

Today, I’ve had two amazing pieces of news (an incredible meeting that’s going to raise my professional profile nationally and even internationally) and I’ve been accepted onto a course that will enable me to train as a psychotherapist eventually. In fact, they say that good things come in 3s and I’ve bought some tickets for tonight’s Euromillions lottery!! So, there are lots of positive things happening and I really want to be well enough to enjoy all of this because despite struggling being a carer, there are some amazing developments coming. The future looks really positive …. and I don’t want to be ill. It’s late afternoon here and I’ve pushed myself to eat 410 calories so far which is about 300 more than I’d normally eat so far at this time of the day…. and I really want to eat dinner but then it’ll take me over the 440 calorie limit. Going over 440 is probably going to feel emotionally tough but I guess that’s to be expected. My comfort zone feels like a safe place to stay but, as one of two people in real life who know what’s happening, a guy said to me yesterday that there will come a point where the anorexia will cause me to collapse because it’s not sustainable. I might think I’m well, I might think there’s no reason to change what I’m doing but I’m heading towards a medical crisis where matters will be taken out of my hands. And, yes, part of me can see this because of the heart palpitations and dizziness. But it’s an all-consuming battle in my head, disguised by the smile that I’m rather adept to showing others…

So, I’m going to try to go over 440. I feel scared but I need to try. And I’ll report back here on Monday at my next weigh in

Hope you have a good weekend

Love Erika xx

5 thoughts on “Battling the anorexic mind…

  1. I don’t think that’s enough to eat in a day…

    I’m not you.
    I’m not a health expert.
    I’ve never had any eating disorders.

    But this seems an extremely low calorie intake. If you’re not doing it under the supervision of a medical professional, you’re not helping yourself at all. IF you ARE doing it under medical supervision, I’m sorry for the ‘tone’… Please, take care of yourself, Erika.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Please never apologise Matt. Part of me knows it’s way too low… another part of me feels it’s still too high and anything above that is uncomfortable and wrong. I’ve had some dinner and now struggling with the guilt…. but I’m not going to purge as I haven’t done that for years and I have to compulsion to. Just need to sit with the feeling I’ve eaten too much…..

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I generally don’t apologise 😀

        I don’t want to be a nag to you — as I said, it could’ve been directed/supervised by a MedPro — and since I didn’t know whether or not it is, I didn’t want to be judgmental. Still don’t — I know that doesn’t help anyone in your position; that it’s counterproductive.

        I also don’t want to be there on the sidelines, watching the train wreck , able to raise a warning, but not doing it. Even if it pisses you off… I’d rather you be pissed off at me and healthy than be all cozy friendly but you’re a mess.

        I want to see you succeed and be healthy and enjoy your wins when you get there. If you do it ‘right’ this will be a change for you that combats this problem instead of reinforcing the behavior. I hope that makes sense.

        Take care of yourself.

        Liked by 2 people

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