Anorexia in the UK headlines… Nikki Grahame’s death

Hey

I guess I need to talk. There’s a news story breaking right now in the UK about Nikki Grahame, a reality TV star who first came onto the UK television screens in Big Brother series 7 (2006). She openly told her story about how she’d been fighting anorexia since she was a very young child and she bore a scar in her abdomen from when she was fed directly into her stomach. Apart from singer Karen Carpenter, gymnast Christy Henrich and singer Lena Zavaroni, Nikki’s was the one name that was synonymous with anorexia. Over the years, she sought help from many treatment providers and she was back in an eating disorder unit. But she’s lost her battle, aged 38. So much to give. So much more life to lead.

I know that my calorie intake is low right now. This isn’t some intentional crash diet. It’s not a ‘very low calorie diet’ that’s being medically supervised but there’s a huge part of me that’s being drawn to reducing, reducing, reducing, part of me that feels like it’s being controlled. That part is also feeling totally invincible because I’m functioning. I’m walking, talking, working. But there is a logical part of me that knows I’m going to crash at some point. I know I can’t survive on what I’m eating, even if a large part of me feels that I’m perfectly fine. But, yes, I’m sitting here really tearful about Nikki. She may not have thought that anorexia would eventually take her… I watched Emma Wants to Live on Amazon Prime the other night about her fight and eventual death from anorexia…. she so wanted to live too….

Although I’m not underweight, that logical part of me knows that atypical anorexia carries the same medical risks as anorexia yet my internal anorexic voice feels that risk doesn’t apply to me. I’m meeting up with my therapist on Monday (the one who’s helping me come to terms with being a carer) and I need to talk to him. I really need to cry. He’s asking me very direct questions about my eating as he can see I’m losing weight and my doctor, who knows everything, has ordered various tests for me, such as an ECG which is in just over 2 weeks’ time. Just pretty conflicted in my head right now: the invincible anorexic voice versus the one who’s worried about me….

Sorry, guys. I just needed to write about how I’m feeling. Feeling rather lonely right now…..

Love Erika xx

9 thoughts on “Anorexia in the UK headlines… Nikki Grahame’s death

  1. You’re taking the first step my love, and as you know, it won’t be an easy ride. Anorexia is the one major eating disorder I haven’t experienced, but with orthorexia, bulimia and BED I understand the need to be in control. It will be hard to rewire your brain, but I believe in you. Sending good vibes!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. When trying to lose weight, I can definitely see and feel that pull to eat less… which can help to lose weight which then reinforces that thought in the mind that it is working, which then leads to eating less, losing weight, and the cycle continues. What has helped me get out of that cycle is instead of focusing on “losing weight” focus on “getting strong” or “getting fit.” And in order to get strong or fit, you need calories and you need energy in order to do strength training, in order to build muscles, in order to strengthen your core. Back in the day, the ideal woman (as woman saw it) was very skinny, very thin. But I think today’s ideal woman is strong, she’s fit, you can see her muscles (though not too much), but you know that is she were ever in a fight, she can probably hold her own and do what needs to be done! I don’t know about you but I’d much rather be more like that second ideal than the first.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your comments. Yes, it certainly feels like a trap and I completely hear what you’re saying. I do want to be physically fit and strong, and I know logically that that’s more important than the figure on the scales. Part of me feels this is achievable and I hope if I can break through the ceiling my mind’s imposed on me regarding calorie intake that I’ll get there. I know that I need to hold onto this hope and challenge my thoughts about restricting… so much easier said than done…

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Firstly well done for speaking up, that’s extremely brave & I truly wish you well.
    In light of today’s sad news, could we republish your post, of course all links and credits to you. We are a new online magazine aimed at women who are past small children but not ready for an old folks home. We search the internet for well written gems that we can share with our readers. Pls take a look and let me know if you are happy to share. Thank you & good luck regardless C&L

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dear Cece. Thank you for your comments but also for asking. Yes, you’re very welcome to republish my post. I really hope it helps at least one other person out there. I’m always very open in my blog which helps me to process my thoughts but hopefully speaks to my wonderful followers / readers too. Could I ask you to perhaps put a link to your online magazine in these comments once you’ve republished my post? I’m sure there’ll be people out there interest to read the magazine… including me! With very warm wishes, Erika xx

      Liked by 1 person

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