I could fit in the seats at the funfair!

Hi everyone

So, apologies that it’s been nearly a week since I’ve blogged. I just needed to give myself a break from the weekly weigh-in but I wanted to share with you that I let my inner child play last night. I went to a funfair on Brighton Pier which is on the south coast of England jutting out into the English Channel towards France. Brighton is a very popular and wonderfully vibrant city where people can truly be individuals and it’s a city that’s just a short train ride from London. In fact, it’s where I got engaged!

Yesterday, on a gloriously warm evening, I headed down to Brighton. I didn’t plan to go on any funfair rides and I assumed that the pier itself would be closed but, as I drove past, I found it was very much open, much later than usual as many people were soaking up the sun. I have to say that I hesitated for a moment when I reached the end of the pier wondering how daft it’d be for a 40-something year old going on rides but sometimes you just have to not worry what others will think and play. Before I knew it, I was going down the helter skelter on a coil mat, sitting on a horse on the carousel, being strapped into a rollercoaster and then being tossed about on another ride that made me very glad I hadn’t just eaten! But the best feeling was that I could fit into the seats! My head hasn’t caught up with the fact that I’ve lost 164 lbs so far but once I managed to fit on the first ride, that worry soon disappeared.

So, I’ll be back on Monday with a bit of an update with the professional support regarding atypical anorexia as I’ve finally found somewhere there’s been brilliant so far but more about that in a few days.

Hope you have a great weekend, everyone

Love Erika xx

BMI from 50 to 24.9!!!!!

Hey guys

Yes, my weight is finally in the ‘healthy’ range with my weight down from 329 lbs to 167 lbs since February 2020 and I’m now just 1 lb away from losing more than half my body weight. That actually feels quite significant to me now that I write that and I never thought I’d get here. It seemed like a very long way off when I started this journey but it’s always been about focusing on the next tiny goal. However, being really open with you, it’s such a really mixed, surreal feeling.

On the one hand, yay!!!!!!! I’m SO excited! The last time my weight was in the healthy range was about 30 years ago. I’m wearing the clothes that I want to wear, I’m no longer easily getting out of breath and I’ve far more energy. There are lots of other happy stats like my waist and body fat now being in the recommended range so there’s no denying that I’m completely chuffed to bits.

But on the other hand, I don’t feel that I can truly celebrate this moment which is really disheartening. As others who’ve been following my blog will know, I’ve fallen into the traps of a serious eating disorder. I’ve lots going on at the moment with waiting to hear back from a specialist eating disorder dietitian and from the local eating disorder service.

Now that my BMI is in the healthy range, I guess it’s understandable that I’m desperate to stay here! But I wonder if increasing my calories (even a little bit) will then lead to some weight going on with my body desperately holding onto any extra food in fear of how little food it’s had in recent months. And that scares me. But, at the same time, whilst my BMI is healthy, I need to get my body and brain into a healthy place too and perhaps increasing my calories will lead some fluctuation as my body adapts. I guess what’s important is that I look at the wider picture and as long as I don’t eat more than my body needs, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to stay here in the healthy range in the long term. But, yes, now tackling my eating disorder is really the next goal.

I really hope you all have a great weekend everyone and I’ll be back on Monday to see if that extra pound has come off… and, if it hasn’t, well, is there really any rush? No, not really. Safety first, Erika. Safety first 🙂

Take care

Love Erika xx

Week 57 weigh-in: 1 lb away from being in the healthy range!

Hello!

I have to admit that I really hoped to wake up this morning to announce “Ta daaah!!! My BMI’s under 25” and be able to squeeze this accomplishment into the very end of May. But is losing weight a race? Does it have to be today? Let’s check out this week’s report card:

What’s happened this week?

  • I lost 1 lb
  • My body fat is now under 30%
  • My body water is now consistently above 50% after often being dehydrated
  • I’ve signed up to do another fitness medal

What could Erika improve on?

  • Increase my calories…. yes, still finding this hard

Erika’s next target(s):

  • 1 lb until my weight’s in the healthy range! A single, solitary, standalone 1 lb left!
  • 2 lbs until I’ve lost over half of my original weight!
  • 8 lbs until my ultimate goal so that I have a 7 lb buffer to stay in the healthy range

— ❤ —

Last year as the pandemic broke and my weight loss journey began, I discovered an international community of people who walk, run, jog, etc. so that shiny new medals drop through their letter boxes. There are SO many websites doing these medals such as Virtual Runner UK, Race at Your Pace and The Conqueror (if you’re on Facebook, do check out The Conqueror Community page for the loveliest and most supportive group of people). Whether you want to cover a marathon distance in one go or set yourself the challenge of walking 5 km over the course of a whole month, there’s a medal out there for everyone and for every level of fitness. On Saturday, I did a 7km walk with a friend across fields and past lakes. Right now, I do need to strike a balance between pushing myself and being kind as, whilst my legs were absolutely fine afterwards, I felt dizzy for hours once I actually stopped walking. But it was very warm and I just need to listen to my body more.

When was my BMI last in the healthy range? Probably about 28 years ago so once I see my BMI go under 25, I’ll be straight on here! I never thought with my BMI starting out at 50 that I could halve it but I’m on the verge of doing that. I’m right on the cusp ❤

As ever, please feel free to share your diet / weight-related successes, frustrations or anything else on your mind.

Take care

Love Erika xx

Recordable weight loss since starting to blog:Still to lose:Current weight:BMI:
142 lbs8 lbs166 lbs25.1
Plus 21 lbs lost prior to blogging

A non-scale victory! I didn’t search for the nearest car park space!

Hey folks

I don’t know about you but I’ve been staying away from the shops since the pandemic began. We’ve been able to get home delivery really easily and I’ve just wanted to stay safely away from others as much as possible.

Well, sensing that I’ve become a bit of a recluse, I’ve started to venture into some shops over the past couple of weeks but late into the evenings. Last night, I drove down to the coast because being anywhere with water (whether it’s the English Channel, a lake or even a duck pond!) does me the world of good mentally. I popped into a clothes shop (and was really excited to be buying US size 8 / UK size 12 clothes) but I then popped into a supermarket. This particular supermarket is one that I haven’t visited since I was 162 lbs heavier and I remember desperately trying to get the nearest space to the front of the shop… and needing to keep pausing to catch my breath. But I found myself last night deliberately parking slightly further away and purposefully walking towards the store with a huge spring in my step and not the slightest bit puffed out. THAT is progress! And it’s when we can compare the old and new that we get to see how far we’ve come.

Have a great weekend everyone. I was hoping that my weight may finally be in the ‘healthy’ range but the scales haven’t budged now for 7 days but let’s see if anything happens before Monday. 2 lbs, yes 2 lbs, will get me to that goal but I’ll celebrate whether it happens this week or next. I just need to think of a reward to treat myself to!

Take care

Erika xx

Week 56 weigh-in: lost almost half my body weight!

Hey guys

Well, I’ve TWO very exciting things to tell you this week. First, I’ve smashed several goals so let’s take a look at this week’s report card straightaway:

What’s happened this week?

  • I lost 4 lbs
  • My weight’s now in the 160s
  • I’ve lost more than 11.5 stone in all
  • I’m now in the 11 stone range
  • My BMI is now in the lower 25s!
  • I drank far more water than normal
  • I can now go horse riding at a nearby stables
  • I’m lighter than my wedding weight from 25 years ago

What could Erika improve on?

  • Increase my calories…. yes, still finding this hard but more about that below

Erika’s next target(s):

  • 2 lbs until my weight’s in the healthy range! Yes, 2 lbs to go!
  • 3 lbs until I’ve lost over half of my original weight! Slightly revised from last week but nonetheless tantilisingly close.
  • 9 lbs until my ultimate goal so that I have a 7 lb buffer to stay in the healthy range

— ❤ —

The other thing is that I now have two pieces of clothing with a ‘SMALL’ tag AND I can wear them! The other one is a belt as I ran out of holes in the medium size one.

I also wanted to think aloud here about recovering from an eating disorder. Things took a bit of a turn last week when my therapist (very much with my best interests at heart) took the decision to contact my GP surgery about me being at physical risk. I know this comes from a place of care and safety as he cited safeguarding but it’s hard not to find the whole thing very surreal with matters are being taken out of my hands. So, I guess there’ll be a phone call, etc. at some point about that. Independent of this, I may have found some private specialist support that could make a difference that would work around my current life and hopefully I’ll soon know more to share with you. If this private support is put in place, I don’t know whether professionals within the NHS would still need/want to be involved… I guess it could depend if they think I’m at risk. But this is where I’m sharing some initial, extraordinarily tentative thoughts with you. As you’ll know from my weekly weigh-ins over the past 15 months, I’m always focusing on the next targets in terms of losing X lbs or getting into the next 1/2 BMI range. I’m terrified at the prospect of relinquishing control and increasing the calories but perhaps I need to start adding weekly challenges to my report card such as adding a further 50 calories each day. I’ve really mixed feelings about this which no doubt sounds ludicrous when I do want to get back to socialising with friends over meals and I do want my next ECG on Friday to be healthy. I might explore the concept of being ready to recover (or perhaps just having to get on with it even if I’m not ready) later this week in my blog.

As ever, please feel free to share your diet / weight-related successes, frustrations or anything else on your mind.

Take care

Love Erika xx

Recordable weight loss since starting to blog:Still to lose:Current weight:BMI:
141 lbs9 lbs167 lbs25.2
Plus 21 lbs lost prior to blogging

Coming out of lockdown… coming out to comments about weight loss – HELP!

Hey folks

My mid-week post coming a day early as it’d just be good to ‘chat’!

You know, I guess there are parts of this post that could also relate to those who’ve perhaps put on weight during the last year. Much of my life has gone remote with seeing clients online where just my shoulders and head are on show. I feel SO protected like this! I like the fact that others can’t see what lies beneath and I guess I could get very comfortable with being here…. perhaps a bit too comfortable. Virtually everyone I have seen face-to-face are either clients who see me as a one-off anyway or just random strangers if I’m out walking.

I shared last week that I’ve already had comments in the past 10 days from people who have seen me before (i.e. a pharmacy assistant and a builder) and have exclaimed “HOW much weight have you lost?” the moment they’ve laid eyes on me. The thing is that I know (or I guess) that such comments are very well intended and come from a really good place so I certainly don’t begrudge them. Even if I didn’t find myself currently battling an eating disorder, I think I’d feel some sense of awkwardness. Do I like compliments? Sometimes but not about my body. But when the two people have then gone on to ask how I’ve lost it, the last thing I want to say is “Well, you know, I’m battling atypical anorexia right now and I’m actually very poorly and my heart and kidneys aren’t doing great but, apart from that, yeah, just eating less and moving more“! People don’t need to know the truth and I don’t need to tell them. 3 friends, other than professionals, know what’s going on for me. But I feel that that once I crack the anorexic grip that’s dictating how many calories I’m eating, I will be in a better place. My understanding of eating and health have actually improved since the start of this journey. My mind has really changed in many good ways so I’m feeling positive that the weight isn’t going to go back on.

In the next few weeks, I’ll be back to a voluntary job I’ve done for 3 years (but they haven’t seen me since I was 158 lbs heavier last year), I’m bound to see family and I genuinely can’t wait to see friends. Yes, I want to reconnect with people but, you know, it would just be great if they could skate over the whole weight loss thing. But the reality is that I’m just pounds away from losing half my original body weight in 15 months and perhaps they think that I’d love a compliment! No!!!!! Please just ask how I am. Please just ask what I’ve been up to. Please just give me the choice about whether I even mention the whole body shape / weight thing… which I’m very unlikely to! But being able to blog about all of this and talking to my therapist (whom I’ve never met in the flesh since the world went remote last spring) over the next few weeks will be an enormous help. Just articulating how it leaves me feeling and processing that.

I’ll be back on Friday (I’ll try not to forget this week!) about where I am with my eating disorder. My therapist told me on Monday that there is a plan to offer me some additional support with another professional which will run alongside the work I’m doing with him. I have to say that even over the past few days, my calorie ‘limit’ has gone down further…. I won’t go into details right now and in fact I’m waiting to hear a bit more myself about this potential support but I’ll give you an honest update on Friday about where things are at.

Right, off shortly to watch the first semi-final of Eurovision 2021!

Take care all

Erika xx

Week 55 weigh-in: I fell over…but I got up again!

Hey guys

More about the blog title in just a moment but let’s start with this week’s report card…

What’s happened this week?

  • I lost 2 lbs
  • My BMI is now in the 25s!
  • I drank far more water than normal

What could Erika improve on?

  • Increase my calories…. yes, still finding this hard…

Erika’s next target(s):

  • 1 lb until I can go horse riding at a nearby stables (although I can ride elsewhere)
  • 1 lb until I’m at my wedding weight from nearly 25 years ago
  • 2 lbs until my weight’s in the 160s
  • 6 lbs until my weight’s in the healthy range (that’s less than half a stone!). I do wonder how much my excess skin weighs though because it’s possible that this could account for the remaining 6 lbs but let’s not go there!
  • 6 lbs until I’ve lost half of my original weight!
  • 13 lbs until my ultimate goal so that I have a 7 lb buffer to stay in the healthy range

So, back to my blog title which isn’t about falling off the diet wagon and getting back on track! About 3 years ago, I had a really bad fall when I did a lot of tissue damage throughout my left leg and ended up on crutches for 6 weeks. In fact, I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t broken a bone as the pain was so immense and I couldn’t put weight on my leg for the first 3 weeks or so. But what was also really hard was that I fell over in a public place and I was immediately surrounded by lovely people keen to help me up. However, I knew that I couldn’t get up easily as I was 158 lbs heavier than I am now. Instead, I had to style it out and reassure them I was fine and I just needed to remain on the ground for a bit longer… and then somehow get myself off the ground when there weren’t so many people around.

Let’s fast forward to Saturday night just gone when I headed to a nearby park, around the lake, around the ornamental gardens for a long walk. I’d been sitting down all day working and I just wanted to stretch my legs. It’d been raining all day and I found myself in an area without a hard path and…. I fell over! I just started to slide in the mud and ended up falling in a rather graceful yet comical way right onto the ground! I didn’t hurt myself at all but what really struck me was that I just bounced back up! Just a push to the ground with my hand and I was soon back on my feet. THAT is a non-scale victory 🙂

And apologies before I go. Last Friday was a full-on day for me and I completely forgot to blog but I’ll be back on Wednesday. I’m going to talk about comments regarding weight loss which I started to touch on last week and then, on Friday, I’ll give you an update about where I am with the atypical anorexia. As ever, please feel free to share your diet / weight-related successes, frustrations or anything else on your mind.

Take care

Love Erika xx

Recordable weight loss since starting to blog:Still to lose:Current weight:BMI:
137 lbs13 lbs171 lbs25.9
Plus 21 lbs lost prior to blogging

My belt has run out of holes!

Hi folks

Just a quick post today as I’m super busy with work but my belt has run out of holes! Yes, this is the belt that I need for the jeans that are getting too big although I’m a bit mystified as the belt is a ‘medium’.

Something that’s been puzzling me over the past few days is my body shape. I know our bodies change over time but I’m now lighter than 10 years ago when I lost a lot of weight… and in fact I’m the lightest I’ve been for 24 years. 10 years ago, I was wearing clothes a whole size down and people were telling me to stop losing weight as I was looking skinny (despite actually being overweight!). This time, I’ve got so much loose skin on my belly, going from the top of my thighs to my knees, on my upper arms. So, if I’ve got this excess skin that’s making me bulkier in certain areas, are there parts of me that are actually smaller than last time? How can I be lighter because I don’t physically feel it? I did have a friend tell me last night that I’m looking skinny… not in a “Hey, look at you girl!” way but actually concerned. What I don’t want to say is “I’m overweight“! And I had a pharmacist who hasn’t seen me for about 5 months exclaim when I walked in today about how much I’ve lost. She said “You’re not going to lose any more, are you?“. This was so awkward to answer but I spoke honestly and said “Yes, a bit more“…. to which she commented that I don’t need to and I need to buy smaller clothes. To be honest, comments about weight loss are feeling a bit awkward and the more I see people as we come out of lockdown, the harder it’s going to be. The pharmacy (who is really lovely and I’ve got to know a bit over the past 2-3 years) did ask how much I’ve lost and how I’m doing it…. mmm… “Eating less; moving more“. I don’t need to tell her what’s really going on!

Anyway, that’s me for today and I’ll be back either Friday or Saturday to continue thinking a bit more about what I’ve just written….

Hope you have a good day

Love Erika xx

Week 54 weigh-in: I’m back in my little red dress!!!!

Hey guys

AAGGHH!!!!!! I’m so amazed that I’ve got back into this dress but, before I show you, let’s take a look at this week’s report card:

What’s happened this week?

  • I lost 2 lbs
  • My weight’s now in the lower 170 lbs
  • My BMI is now in the lower 26s
  • I’ve acknowledged that I need help and I’ve reached out for support with my eating disorder. So, I’ve an online meeting later on today with a specialist.

What could Erika improve on?

  • Increase my calories…. yes, still finding this hard…
  • Drink more water and less diet soda

Erika’s next target(s):

  • 2 lbs until my BMI is in the 25s!!!!!
  • 3 lbs until I can go horse riding at a nearby stables (although I can ride elsewhere)
  • 3 lbs until I’m at my wedding weight from nearly 25 years ago
  • 8 lbs until my weight’s in the healthy range (just over half a stone!)
  • 8 lbs until I’ve lost half of my original weight!
  • 15 lbs until my ultimate goal so that I have a 7 lb buffer to stay in the healthy range!

I am BEYOND excited today! I bought a little red dress 25 years ago which I’ve worn in public once but I managed to try it on again 10 years ago when I lost a lot of weight. Clothes have come and gone in that time but this dress has remained in my wardrobe as the ‘When I can get back into this, I know I’ve done well‘ piece of clothing. I was sorting out my clothes earlier and thought I’d try it on…. guessing that the zip wouldn’t go all the way up but, yes, it did! This is such a non-scale victory!

I’ll be back on Wednesday but, as ever, please feel free to share your diet / weight-related successes, frustrations or anything else on your mind.

Take care

Love Erika xx

Recordable weight loss since starting to blog:Still to lose:Current weight:BMI:
135 lbs15 lbs173 lbs26.2
Plus 21 lbs lost prior to blogging

Week 53 weigh-in: 10 lbs until my weight’s in the ‘healthy’ range

Hey guys

How was your weekend? On Saturday, I decided to head to a stunning town about 1.5 hours away that’s truly steeped in history, with timber-beam and stone buildings originating from the 12th and 13th centuries, and the most unusual houses and shops lining the cobblestone streets. Rye is just gorgeous and absolutely beautiful to walk around. Photography is very much something I love, trying to capture unusual shots, and my steps soon clocked up on my FitBit.

So, let’s crack on with this week’s report card:

What’s happened this week?

  • I lost 3 lbs
  • My weight’s now halfway through the 170 lbs
  • I’ve now lost 11 stone
  • I’ve lost 90% of my excess weight
  • I’m now lighter than when I lost a lot of weight 10 years ago, making me the lightest I’ve been for almost 25 years

What could Erika improve on?

  • Increase my calories…. yes, still finding this hard…

Erika’s next target(s) along with the big ones!

  • 1 lb until my BMI is in the lower 26s
  • 1 lb until my weight’s in the lower 170s
  • 5 lbs until I can go horse riding at a nearby stables (although I can ride elsewhere)
  • 5 lbs until I’m at my wedding weight from nearly 25 years ago
  • 10 lbs until my weight’s in the healthy range
  • 10 lbs until I’ve lost half of my original weight!
  • 17 lbs until my ultimate goal so that I have a 7 lb buffer to stay in the healthy range!

As you’ll see from the tag line of my blog, my story is meant to be about a huge weight loss journey without falling into the traps of previous eating disorders and, for those who’ve read my blog over the past few weeks, you’ll know that I’m now very much struggling with atypical anorexia. So, I need to think about the direction of this blog in a way that helps me process my thoughts, especially over the next few weeks, whilst avoiding any promotion of unhealthy behaviour. So, on Wednesday, I’m going to reflect on the point of this journey where things started to get unhealthily obsessive…. in the hope that anyone reading this who’s also trying to toe that fine line between dieting and EDs can avoid going down this very murky route which I’m on.

I’ll be back on Wednesday but, as ever, please feel free to share your diet / weight-related successes, frustrations or anything else on your mind.

Take care

Love Erika xx

Recordable weight loss since starting to blog:Still to lose:Current weight:BMI:
133 lbs17 lbs175 lbs26.5
Plus 21 lbs lost prior to blogging