I’ve been away a while but I’m back!

Hey guys

Gosh, it’s been 6 weeks since I’ve blogged. I’m so sorry that I suddenly disappeared. I guess I just needed a bit of a break and I feel better for it but I’ve also had technical issues logging on through my laptop. So I need to resolve those whilst temporarily using the app on my phone.

Well, a lot has happened in 6 weeks. With my BMI starting at 50 (and 329lbs) in February 2020, it’s now 20.7 (137lbs) and that means I’ve lost almost 60% of my original body weight. I’m wearing mainly US size 6 / U.K. size 10 with some clothes US size 4 / U.K. size 8. I have to say that I’m still struggling to eat enough and I guess what lies at the heart of this is a fear of putting on all the weight. You see, I guess I’ve succeeded at losing so much and, without trying to sound pretentious, I’ve become pretty good at it. Giving up the atypical anorexia doesn’t have to mean putting on all the weight and my focus should be all about balance. That’s such a key word, isn’t it. You see, I’m missing out on a lot socially and I can’t think of anything better than meeting up with friends, enjoying chatting over food, not fearing every single calorie. I will get there but I just feel like I’ve a way to go.

So, I’ll be back blogging to share my inner most thoughts and hoping to inspire others, bring comfort, etc. to anyone who comes my blog. I’m doing a lot of exercise right now and I’ll tell you more next week. In the meantime, hope you have a super weekend

Love Erika xx

Week 69 weigh-in: These scale numbers are NEW!

Hey guys

First, I’m soooo sorry. This weigh-in comes a whopping 4 days past my usual Monday weigh-ins as I had something that I got caught up with but, hey, better late than never! I’m just bursting to crack on with this week’s report card so let’s take a look:

What’s happened this week?

  • I’m now under 11 stone
  • I’ve lost more than 12.5 stone in all
  • My weight’s in the low 150 lbs having started at 329
  • My weight, in terms of kilograms, is now in the 60s
  • My BMI’s very close to going under 23
  • My body fat percentage is very close to going under 27 %
  • I’ve seen numbers on the scales today that I cannot recall EVER seeing!
  • I’m wearing smaller jeans despite the excess skin (US size 8, UK size 12)
  • I’m drinking so much more fluid than before
  • I’m working out daily but in a fun way
  • I’m eating a wider variety of food than in previous few months

What could Erika improve on?

  • I’m aware that I’ve already gone past my ultimate weight loss goal and I need to not keep thinking “a bit more, a bit more” with the atypical anorexic voice…

Erika’s next target(s):

  • ….. but saying that, I’d just like to get into the 140 lbs so that leaves 4 lbs to go…. after which I think that’s my settling point to then maintain

— ❤ —

So, I was exactly 7 lbs when I was born but the lightest I can ever recall seeing on the scales is 11 stone 2 (i.e. 156 lbs) when I was 18 and I never thought I’d ever see 10 stone-anything crop up on my scales…. but I have today! Having now lost 176 lbs in all, I can’t tell you how more easily my body moves. Yes, I have significant excess skin, yes it’s uncomfortable when I sit on a hard surface because my body is lacking definition but I feel free. I’ve started doing dance aerobics each day and that puts a huge smile on my face! Honestly, putting on my favourite music tracks and just moving is really making a difference to the scales again. When I started out on this journey 18 months ago, I dared to visualise how things would be if I were lighter and smaller but my reality right now is so much better than anything I could picture.

This weekend, I’m finally ticking off another experience from my weight loss bucket list after it being postponed before but I’ll tell you more on Monday. And I guess this links to what I’ve just said above about feeling free. I had felt so trapped at the beginning of 2020, very aware how my weight and size were stopping me from doing things, not only in terms of confidence but there were things I couldn’t physically do. And I’m now in a place where I have more freedom about what to wear, about doing these experiences that come with a weight limit, etc. If you’re feeling stuck where you are with weight loss, please know that I ‘get it’. I’ve been there. I’ve been in that place thinking that things weren’t going to change. But it really can change by starting with tiny goals and just daring to visualise how things can be. And if dancing around the house to cheesy 1980s pop gets you moving more, well, why not! Let’s crank up the volume and dance like no one’s watching!

As ever, please feel free to share your diet / weight-related successes, frustrations or anything else on your mind. Have a good weekend, everyone

Take care

Love Erika xx

Total recordable weight loss:Current weight:BMI:
176 lbs153 lbs23.1
Original ultimate weight loss goal was to get to 158 lbs

Week 67 weigh-in: here’s where I’m at…

Hello guys

So, I’m back to my weekly weigh-ins after me and the scales were becoming inseparable! For anyone seeing my blog for the first time, hello! Whilst I’ve now lost 170 lbs altogether, I’ve currently getting support from a specialist eating disorder dietitian with upping my calorie intake as I’ve fallen back into atypical anorexia. Part of me is pleased that I’ve lost more weight and my body shape is really changing (although I’m also carrying a lot of excess skin). Part of me is hearing my dietitian’s voice who is amazing but gives me a good talking to with a glint in her eye! She’s very keen that I maintain and that the focus is now on eating well rather than obsessing about the calories. But I’ll tell you a bit more about that later in the week.

— ❤ —

I’ve lots of positives to share:

  • I’m eating more calories (but more about that Thursday or Friday)
  • I’m eating a wider variety of food
  • I’m discovering my sense of style with a very different body shape
  • I’m discovering that I’m an adrenalin junkie! Click here to read about going on the world’s fastest zip wire last weekend. I was also going to do something yesterday but it was cancelled due to high winds but I’ve rebooked for the end of August
  • I’ve booked an optician’s appointment for this Wednesday which is the first time for years – I used to avoid it as I wasn’t sure I could fit in the chair and, for the last appointment, I asked for a home visit. But, on a mission to overhaul my appearance, I’m looking to update my glasses and / or return to wearing contact lens
  • I’m going to colour my hair this week – deciding on dark red or very darkest brunette
  • I’m heading out shortly to buy something to help my nails grow. They’re shockingly short – just a bad habit rather than nerves but it’s something I tend to be ashamed of. So, yes, another part of ‘Project Me’ to focus on making the most of what I’ve got.

— ❤ —

And a few things on my mind / that I’m working on:

  • I had therapy today and there was lots of discussion about finding a new hobby. I’m very much someone who needs space… but I need to connect with others more too. Again, I’ll talk this through another day but I guess I’m feeling a little bit lost in this ‘still-worried-about-Covid-new me-new body-who am I‘ world…
  • I think I have a small umbilical hernia after my digestive system has ground to a halt – again something that the dietitian is helping with. But the thought of seeing a doctor and prodding me scares me a bit – body confidence and all that.
  • Us Brits are known for having bad teeth…. and I am one of them! People have commented that they think of me as being really smiley (which I am!) but I’m aware that I need to look after my teeth better so I’m going to make an appointment with a dentist once I’ve plucked up the courage
  • There’s going to be a wider family get-together at the end of August and I’m really worried. I haven’t eaten in front of anyone but my immediate family for the past 18 months and I’m dreading the whole food thing. Yes, I’m eating more than I was but I know that I have a way to go and I don’t want to rouse suspicion that I have an eating disorder. But the get together isn’t today – so let’s put that one aside

— ❤ —

I’ll be back later this week to update you about the latest food plan from my dietitian. She’s really pleased that I’m getting there but goodness she’s relentless! She said today that she needs to keep pushing up the calories so that I’m well enough to do these adrenalin-fuelled adventures and look after this body of mine…. and I hear her. But it’s definitely tricky getting out of the 18 month long diet mindset I’ve rather enjoyed! But I’m work in progress… perhaps we all are in our own way…?

Take care

Love Erika xx

Recordable weight lossStill to lose:Current weight:BMI:
170 lbs 1 lb159 lbs23.9
Including 21 lbs lost prior to blogging

Over 160 lbs lost: my bravest photos yet!

Hey guys

I’m currently not weighing myself because I was forever getting on and off the scales, probably about 10-15 times a day. But I’ve decided that today’s a good day to be brave and share some photos with you. Part of me feels really nervous, especially as one of them shows just some of my excess skin (oh, there’s a lot more, trust me!) but a bigger part of me is celebrating! I’ve had so many clothes in my ‘can’t get into that yet‘ pile but I can now get into everything I own – all US size 8 (size 12 UK). Right, Erika…. deep breath, girl! Here we go…..

Okay, I’m still here! I survived after sharing these! My next step is to look into how to deal with the excess skin because it’s stopping me from getting into the next size down but I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. The main areas are all round my thighs (including saddle bags), my upper arms, my knees, my butt (woah, TMI there!!!!!) and my upper and lower abdomen. I found somewhere last night that does non-surgical treatment that I’ll be booking an appointment with. But I’m a realist and I know there’s only so much skin that can be dealt with but it’s about balance, I guess. Let’s see what I can change and what I can’t, and take it from there 🙂

Wishing you a lovely weekend everyone and I’ll be back on Monday

Love Erika xx

Week 56 weigh-in: lost almost half my body weight!

Hey guys

Well, I’ve TWO very exciting things to tell you this week. First, I’ve smashed several goals so let’s take a look at this week’s report card straightaway:

What’s happened this week?

  • I lost 4 lbs
  • My weight’s now in the 160s
  • I’ve lost more than 11.5 stone in all
  • I’m now in the 11 stone range
  • My BMI is now in the lower 25s!
  • I drank far more water than normal
  • I can now go horse riding at a nearby stables
  • I’m lighter than my wedding weight from 25 years ago

What could Erika improve on?

  • Increase my calories…. yes, still finding this hard but more about that below

Erika’s next target(s):

  • 2 lbs until my weight’s in the healthy range! Yes, 2 lbs to go!
  • 3 lbs until I’ve lost over half of my original weight! Slightly revised from last week but nonetheless tantilisingly close.
  • 9 lbs until my ultimate goal so that I have a 7 lb buffer to stay in the healthy range

— ❤ —

The other thing is that I now have two pieces of clothing with a ‘SMALL’ tag AND I can wear them! The other one is a belt as I ran out of holes in the medium size one.

I also wanted to think aloud here about recovering from an eating disorder. Things took a bit of a turn last week when my therapist (very much with my best interests at heart) took the decision to contact my GP surgery about me being at physical risk. I know this comes from a place of care and safety as he cited safeguarding but it’s hard not to find the whole thing very surreal with matters are being taken out of my hands. So, I guess there’ll be a phone call, etc. at some point about that. Independent of this, I may have found some private specialist support that could make a difference that would work around my current life and hopefully I’ll soon know more to share with you. If this private support is put in place, I don’t know whether professionals within the NHS would still need/want to be involved… I guess it could depend if they think I’m at risk. But this is where I’m sharing some initial, extraordinarily tentative thoughts with you. As you’ll know from my weekly weigh-ins over the past 15 months, I’m always focusing on the next targets in terms of losing X lbs or getting into the next 1/2 BMI range. I’m terrified at the prospect of relinquishing control and increasing the calories but perhaps I need to start adding weekly challenges to my report card such as adding a further 50 calories each day. I’ve really mixed feelings about this which no doubt sounds ludicrous when I do want to get back to socialising with friends over meals and I do want my next ECG on Friday to be healthy. I might explore the concept of being ready to recover (or perhaps just having to get on with it even if I’m not ready) later this week in my blog.

As ever, please feel free to share your diet / weight-related successes, frustrations or anything else on your mind.

Take care

Love Erika xx

Recordable weight loss since starting to blog:Still to lose:Current weight:BMI:
141 lbs9 lbs167 lbs25.2
Plus 21 lbs lost prior to blogging

My belt has run out of holes!

Hi folks

Just a quick post today as I’m super busy with work but my belt has run out of holes! Yes, this is the belt that I need for the jeans that are getting too big although I’m a bit mystified as the belt is a ‘medium’.

Something that’s been puzzling me over the past few days is my body shape. I know our bodies change over time but I’m now lighter than 10 years ago when I lost a lot of weight… and in fact I’m the lightest I’ve been for 24 years. 10 years ago, I was wearing clothes a whole size down and people were telling me to stop losing weight as I was looking skinny (despite actually being overweight!). This time, I’ve got so much loose skin on my belly, going from the top of my thighs to my knees, on my upper arms. So, if I’ve got this excess skin that’s making me bulkier in certain areas, are there parts of me that are actually smaller than last time? How can I be lighter because I don’t physically feel it? I did have a friend tell me last night that I’m looking skinny… not in a “Hey, look at you girl!” way but actually concerned. What I don’t want to say is “I’m overweight“! And I had a pharmacist who hasn’t seen me for about 5 months exclaim when I walked in today about how much I’ve lost. She said “You’re not going to lose any more, are you?“. This was so awkward to answer but I spoke honestly and said “Yes, a bit more“…. to which she commented that I don’t need to and I need to buy smaller clothes. To be honest, comments about weight loss are feeling a bit awkward and the more I see people as we come out of lockdown, the harder it’s going to be. The pharmacy (who is really lovely and I’ve got to know a bit over the past 2-3 years) did ask how much I’ve lost and how I’m doing it…. mmm… “Eating less; moving more“. I don’t need to tell her what’s really going on!

Anyway, that’s me for today and I’ll be back either Friday or Saturday to continue thinking a bit more about what I’ve just written….

Hope you have a good day

Love Erika xx

When the weight loss thing went wrong

Hey guys

Well, I say it ‘went wrong’ but I need to hold onto the hope that I can get back on track.

For anyone stumbling across my blog for the first time, hello 🙂 So, I’ve lost more than 150 lbs so far and, for the vast majority of the past year, I’ve brought a really healthy mind, focusing on just the next tiny goal . And that can be tricky to do with a history of anorexia and bulimia but, for the most part, I was doing okay.

I was recently diagnosed with atypical anorexia because I meet all the anorexia criteria except I’m not underweight and things have got a bit serious. So, as I mentioned on Monday, I thought I’d reflect on what happened. What was the point where my healthy attitude changed and I started getting obsessive about every calorie I was eating?

Back in December, I started to get some vague idea about restricting my calories and I was desperate not to go back to this mental place from 10 years ago when I ended up on no more than 250 calories a day. From February until December ’20, I had a very rough idea about how many calories I was eating but I didn’t want to count every single one. I was losing weight eating sensible portions and working out. But I think it’s the moment when I found myself drawn into a mindset of weighing and calculating absolutely everything. At that point, it became all about the calories and a desperation to see the figure on the scales change. And I guess this coincided with some pressures here at home. There’s some serious stuff that I can’t control but eating is something that I can…..well, you know.

Since then, I’ve just started feeling uncomfortable about what I’m eating, feeling as if I’m eating too much. As I mentioned on Friday’s post, the little I’m eating is starting to hugely impact my body and my doctor is very concerned. She’s mentioned about referring me to the eating disorder service although she needs my consent but I have spent the past couple of days looking into some private options too that could more easily fit around my life. Goodness, as a business owner, taking time out is hard and, yes, I know I have to prioritise my own health but doing it in reality is hard. Anyway, one place got back to me today and we’re currently scheduling a conversation to chat things through, such as what they offer, if they feel they can help me. Yes, I’m recognising that I do need help but giving up control feels scary.

If anyone’s losing weight and signs of eating disorders are creeping in, I’d really encourage you to seek help straightaway. In no time at all, we can end up in this place where we feel stuck and the earlier that help is sought, the easier it may be to unstick ourselves. To be honest, I wish all this stuff with the anorexia would just go away as I want to pretend it’s not happening. I think the next few weeks and months are going to be a rollercoaster but, as ever, I’ll be open with you and perhaps I can get back on track and enjoy all that life has to offer. ‘cos life is good! And, especially post-Covid, I want to be jetting off for weekends away!

Take care

Erika xx

Losing weight with popcorn!

Hey folks

I was going to call this post ‘Popcorn without the guilt‘ but actually no food is necessarily a bad food! It comes down to portion control and in fact I know there are people who will only crave food more if they feel they’re being deprived.

But yes, I thought I’d share my dinner with you. This is so low-cal with a portion of plain noodles, green beans, aubergine (eggplant), mushrooms and soy sauce. Cooked within 10 minutes and actually something that feels doable as a non-cook. Trust me, I don’t enjoy cooking although I’m starting to get very slowly adventurous. Hubby and I used to do lots of stir-fries but we just got out of the habit. Anyway, I’ve a stack of veg to use up so I’ll be doing a stir fry for the next few evenings.

And then popcorn for dessert! Actually, I’m not normally a fan of popcorn but I saw these were just 53 calories and they’re actually fairly tasty (can be bought from Sainsbury’s in the UK). But no wonder why they’re very low-cal. The bag is about a quarter full! But psychologically, I feel like I’ve had a bag of popcorn and I just took my time devouring each one. In truth, I could have downed the pack in one!!! Usually, if I have a dessert, I’m more likely to go for a 6 calorie sugar-free jelly but I had room in my calorie limit to check out these today.

I’ll be back either Friday or Saturday but, in the meantime, I’d love to know what are your go-to low-cal meals and snacks. Bonus points for anything that can be cooked in next to no time!

Love Erika xx

Week 52 weigh-in: One year of blogging!

Hey guys

Today’s blog comes from a rather bleary-eyed Erika who, based in the UK, stayed up until the early hours watching the Oscars! But, yes, I’ve now blogged for a whole year and I can’t thank you enough for joining me on my journey. Honestly, I truly appreciate it. I know things are getting a bit serious at the moment with the atypical anorexia and I’ll find out this week about how the eating disorder is affecting my body but, right now, let’s crack on with this week’s report card:

What’s happened this week?

  • I lost 2 lbs
  • My weight’s now in the 170 lbs!
  • My BMI is in the 26s

What could Erika improve on?

  • Increase my calories…. yes, still finding this hard …

Erika’s next target(s) along with the big ones!

  • 2 lbs until I’m the same weight as 10 years ago
  • 3 lbs until I’ve lost 11 stone in all
  • 3 lbs until I’ve lost 90% of my excess weight
  • 4 lbs until my BMI is in the lower 26s
  • 8 lbs until I’m at my wedding weight from nearly 25 years ago
  • 13 lbs until my weight’s in the healthy range (under 1 stone to go!)
  • 20 lbs until my ultimate goal so that I have a 7 lb buffer to stay in the healthy range!

A very close friend came round to my home at the weekend but, because of Covid, I hadn’t seen her for months. As she walked into my garden, her first words were “You’re so tiny!” Although I have lots of loose skin, the thing I found when I was this weight 10 years ago is that I get to the point where I’m heavier than I may look. 10 years ago, I had people telling me not to lose any more, despite me actually being overweight. So it makes me wonder how I’ll look when my BMI does get into the healthy range… but I’m not looking too far ahead. I’m just focusing on that next pound. That’s how I’ve got this far… one step, one pound at a time.

I’ll be back on Wednesday but, as ever, please feel free to share your diet / weight-related successes, frustrations or anything else on your mind.

Take care

Love Erika xx

Recordable weight loss since starting to blog:Still to lose:Current weight:BMI:
130 lbs20 lbs178 lbs26.9
Plus 21 lbs lost prior to blogging

Week 51 weigh-in: the UK food traffic light system!

Hello guys

Okay, before I tell you all about this, let’s take a look at this week’s report card:

What’s happened this week?

  • I lost 3 lbs
  • I’ve now lost more than 10.5 stone in all
  • I’m now under 13 stone
  • My BMI’s in the lower half of the overweight category
  • I’ve bought more veg! Yes, on tomorrow’s menu are homemade aubergine (eggplant) crisps and I’ve bought spinach and red peppers to make omelettes.

What could Erika improve on?

  • Increase my calories…. yes, still finding this hard and it’s now just 10 days until my ECG…

Erika’s next target(s) along with the big ones!

  • 1 lb until my weight’s in the 170s
  • 2 lbs until my BMI’s in the 26s
  • 4 lbs until I’m the same weight as 10 years ago
  • 5 lbs until I’ve lost 11 stone in all
  • 5 lbs until I’ve lost 90% of my excess weight
  • 10 lbs until I’m at my wedding weight from nearly 25 years ago
  • 15 lbs until my weight’s in the healthy range (just more than 1 stone to go!)
  • 22 lbs until my ultimate goal so that I have a 7 lb buffer to stay in the healthy range!

So, back to the traffic light system Many food producers in the UK display nutritional information on products using a traffic light system so that we can see at a glance whether it’s healthy or not. I have to say that this makes food choice reasonably easy because I make a point of staying away from anything colour-coded red. Here’re some examples:

So, okay, the Ryvita one isn’t colourful but I can instantly see if these flatbreads are okay to snack on and yes they are! These are unbelievably tasty and just 29 calories. And this jambalaya is something I could live on everyday! Virtually green across the board and just 319 calories. Do you have anything similar in your country to help people make healthy choices? Please do tell!

I’ll be back on Wednesday to talk about mouth hunger versus stomach hunger but, in the meantime, hope you have a good couple of days. As ever, please feel free to share your diet / weight-related successes, frustrations or anything else on your mind.

Take care

Love Erika xx

Recordable weight loss since starting to blog:Still to lose:Current weight:BMI:
128 lbs22 lbs180 lbs27.2
Plus 21 lbs lost prior to blogging